once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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