Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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