I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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