it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
