Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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