just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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