so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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