I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think my vagina is haunted
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
