So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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