You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
