Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
