If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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