im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
