i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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