I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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