I just made out with a guy for $7.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
