just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
