So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
