my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
