I want to make a zoo with you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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