PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
