seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
