he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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