before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
