I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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