hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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Do I have a choice?
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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