just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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