"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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