I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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