saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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