Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Less talking, more tequila
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
