i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this boner is exhausting
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
