Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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