Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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