i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
