I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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