hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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