I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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