Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
