Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
