i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
