You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
