He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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