Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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