i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
