Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
