do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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