saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
