so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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