Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
