im six kinds of drunk right now
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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