Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
