The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
