im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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