I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
